World Behind My Wall

please click on the flowers

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‣name: natasha
‣age: 26 | july 12
‣female|she/her
‣zodiac: sun cancer, rising libra, moon gemini
‣pansexual
‣enfp
‣favorite colors: blue & orange
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please click on the pictures/flower

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some of my stars in no particular order:

lee taemin : shinee

jung krystal

kim hanbin

kim hongjoong: ateez

choi san: ateez

johnny suh: nct

kim doyoung: nct

bang chan: stray kids

park seonghwa: ateez

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life is really hard and some days are going to feel worse than others. there might be a reason for it or there might not and that's okay. it will pass. i promise you. life is more similar to a roller coaster than you can imagine, as corny as that sounds. things will eventually get better. we have a habit of constantly looking for happiness but we need to take a step back and just appreciate the present and find appreciation for the feeling of being content. while happiness is in the moment, content is a state of being. that small alteration in thinking can have the biggest effect on your life. growing up with depression and anxiety was very tough and i never ever thought i would make it past highschool. but here i am with not only a highschool degree but a bachelor's as well. even though i still don't really know what i'm doing, for the most part i'm very content with life. i have a steady income now and i get to go to a lot of concerts. when i was younger that was always something that i was not allowed to do but now here i am. there are a lot of details of my life that are complicated and tend to bring me to a bad place but i always try to be positive and find coping mechanisms that help me feel content. before this gets even longer, what i'm trying to say is that, just give it some time. things will get better. i promise.-

i know that some people don't have the privilege to live in the moment or even have a second to stop worrying about the future, especially if it's health related or finances. so please don't hesitate to reach out to me. i will help you find resources and do my absolute best to help you

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dear woohyun,how do i even begin to describe the enigma that you are. i cant even begin to think about how much you mean to me and how much i cherish you. you are someone who makes me look at life differently and i’ll never forget how i slowly opened my eyes to who you were. i was in denial about you being my ultimate bias for a good amount of time but your parts in ‘can u smile’ had me feeling weird when i was 15 and hating life. i started to listen to infinite more and more, watched all the variety shows. let’s just say sesame player had me whipped on another level. then this dude who was known to be extremely “greasy” and affectionate just started popping out to me. after a good few episodes as well as watching perfs and other variety shows, i started noticing that i was always looking for you. and here we are almost a decade later and i still find myself looking for you no matter what. i know you’re in the military now and i will see in less than 2 years but i’ll miss seeing your dumb smile all the time a lot more than you can imagine.

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dear jaemin,oh my dear nana, i love you so so so so much. you brought me so much happiness during the darkest point of my life when all i could do was think negative thoughts. you came into my life like the angel you are with your precious smile, and i knew it would all be okay. i wish i could convey into words how grateful i am towards you and how you lead me to find hobbies that i actually enjoy. you made me get more into nct and even though i’m more broke now, i’m so content with where i am emotionally. i have done so many amazing things in 2019 that i never thought i would be able to do and that’s all thanks you and nct dream. i love you so much jaemin i hope you will always stay healthy and happy.

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dear jisung,jisung park! you are my favorite person in the world to dote on. i remember seeing your picture along with jeno, mark, and donghyuck during sm rookies and thought it was ridiculous how young you all were. and bc of that i did not pay that much close attention to you but seeing you grow up to do all these amazing things and being the best dancer you can be, makes me feel so protective of you. i hope you are always around people that love and care for you because you deserve nothing but the best. i love you so much mochisung!

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dear dream,the seven of you bring me so much happiness that i can’t even begin to talk about how grateful i am towards you all. the month of december 2017 was truly one of the toughest months for me to overcome. i felt so hopeless and tired of everything that nothing brought me joy. then all of a sudden “go” era started and i was absolutely mesmerized by the kids i overlooked after chewing gum because they were so young. alas i was foolish but came to my senses and i was amazed by how you all performed, how you all interacted with each other, to the point where i felt like i was home.after watching interviews and other videos, including vlives, my love for you all grew even more. it’s been almost two years since you guys have officially decided to take a permanent place in my heart and i could never be more thankful to you seven boys.thank you mark for being the person with so much grit and perseverance that i’m always in a state of being inspired by you.thank you renjun for believing in yourself and giving your dreams a chance. you make me want to constantly do better and be a better me.thank you jeno for being so pure hearted that i always feel warm and safe when i see you. your smile literally lights up the entire room and i genuinely think you are a hilarious person with the best jokes.thank you donghyuck for being the literal sun in my life. i am so grateful for everything that you are and how much warmth you bring to the world.thank you jaemin for everything. i literally have a whole other page dedicated to you so i’ll end this here and not ramble too muchthank you chenle for coming to a foreign country and working your hardest to become a singer and always exceeding at everything you do. your smile and laugh bring me constant happiness and the bond you share with those around you is an inspiration to me to be a better person to others as well.thank you jisung for being the little brother that i dote on through a screen. i also have a whole other page dedicated to you so i’ll stop this here too lolthank you nct dream for making me happy again.